In a recent article in Forbes, bioarchaeologist Kristina Killgrove of the University of Western Florida outlines ten ‘boneheaded’ interpretations of ancient human remains. They illustrate the many crazy and ill-founded, sometimes racist, some sexist, and sometimes just hilariously dumb, interpretations that have been wrapped about the discoveries of ancient graves and tombs. A few remain just-about-possible but very unlikely and so perhaps are unfairly called boneheaded, but most are intolerable to rational thinking.

I confess that, over the years, I have heard quite a few crazy stories about the Pillar of Eliseg where I dug from 2010-2012 as part of the Project Eliseg collaborative research endeavours of Bangor and Chester universities. Hence, I am both disappointed and angry that I have yet to hear an alien-related or giant-related explanation for the Pillar of Eliseg based on either archaeology or folklore. This absence of folklore or pseudo-archaeology is somewhat bizarree; the Pillar of Eliseg since in something of a vacuum in regard to crazy-ass narratives!

So this blog is an attempt to head off any attempt to write a bogus alien/giant narrative for the Pillar of Eliseg. This is deployed as a countermeasure to deflect any threat of alien interpretation and thus employs the same counter-intuitive logic exemplified by many such accounts of ‘bad archaeology’.

Also, I’m also hoping that the title alone will attract readers, exemplifying the crazy ‘keyword’ culture of the internet. Here goes.

IMG_5736The Fossilized Flying Saucer

Often taken as burial and ceremonial monuments used for generations by Bronze Age farmers for rituals and gatherings, North Wales is peppered with circular stone structures of different forms, including stone circles, platform cairns, ring cairns, kerbed cairns and barrows. The archaeological community always jump to the ritual explanation, which usually means they don’t understand everything or anything about these structures.

During the Pillar of Eliseg excavations, we revealed the startling reality behind these mysterious monuments. These were devised by alien minds for intergalactic travel!

  1. The kerb was surrounded by distinctive octagonally sectioned pillars marked ‘MOW’. They were made of concrete; a material unknown in the Bronze Age and evidently of alien manufacture;
  2. The kerb of stones around the base of the mound was clearly designed to freely spin around the mound, evidenced by all manner of facts recorded only in my head;
  3. The mound comprised of geologies dating back millions of years and arranged with a precise geometric logic only discernible to those with the right kind of maths to interpret it. Thankfully, I possess the logic and I have the maths;
  4. We found dozens of pairs of stones that were carefully placed to align on specific northern hemisphere constellations, lunar alignments and even the sun itself;
  5. The ‘monument’ was positioned so as to respect the topography of the valley but also on the flattest part of the ridge, suggesting a far older date that hitherto suspected. Quite logically, the ridge  served as a take-off strip or ‘runway’ for an aeronautically designed vehicle. What vehicle? This one of course!;
  6. The iron railings around the centre of the monument are said by heritage professionals to be ‘protecting’ the Pillar. Again, the truth is out there, shrouded beneath the lies of archaeologists in the pay of those that would keep us from the facts. They are instead a communications array for the alien vessel. Iron wasn’t known to Bronze Age people, so what other explanation is there?
  7. Let’s face it, it looks like a stone upside-down ‘saucer’ and therefore it is unquestionably a fossil of an alien race hitherto shrouded in shrouds of mysterious mystery.

There is only one logical explanation: the ‘cairn’ or ‘mound’ was in fact a flying saucer.

IMG_2619Cremated Aliens?

Archaeologists then uncovered evidence of the makers of this ancient fossilised craft. In stone-lined cists often mistaken by archaeologists as Bronze Age ‘graves’ in which bodies were lain, bones of alien form were found. Alien, because only aliens could be buried in such a fashion. Again, archaeologists jump to ‘ritual’ when they want to deny the truth. Again, our dig revealed the ficts behind the factions.

The ‘cists’ we uncovered on Project Eliseg indisputably had alien form and alien functions. Made of boxes of stone and made to withstand temperatures and pressures required for intergalactic travel, these were evidently escape pods in the case of alien emergencies and alien crash-landings. Only three were found, but many more might litter the surface of the flying saucer. Rather than graves, they reveal a grim testimony to the sad eerie Ridley Scott-esque fate of these extraterrestrial voyagers. One was empty, suggesting the alien escaped. Another was peppered with cremated bone, suggesting the alien was burned alive. A third was packed with alien burned bones in a huge quantity; far too many to reflect any single humanoid occupant.

Many might doubt the truth, but these were not just any aliens from OUTER SPACE. Instead, they were from aliens well-versed in Bronze Age customs of the early 2nd millennium BC. Aliens versed in concealing their true identity: aliens perhaps from Planet Earth itself!

Part of a long-lost race of people who reproduced themselves through ‘sexual reproduction’ and through this complex biochemical process they spread out over the land, teaching others how to make tools and farm the land, these were the gods of our land. They were ancestors and guides to the people of the Bronze Age, and here their disemboweled spacecraft is but a vestige of their ancient technology. Perhaps this crash-landing brought the Bronze Age to the Bronze Age? Or perhaps we have evidence that their landing wasn’t a crash, but a high-precision attack by enemies of cyclopean stature!

IMG_8137Alien-Slaying Saints

Historians have long recognised that the text upon the Pillar of Eliseg commemorates the great-grandfather of the ninth-century Powysian monarch Concenn. Yet scholars  never tell you that the text also refers to Saint Germanus, the man who defeated an army of Saxons with the power of song and met Clive Owen.

What archaeologists have naively assumed is that the text is contemporary with the pillar. Far more likely, the pillar and its base was much older than its text, and is the reason for the flying saucer’s untimely demise. Germanus is a well known hammer of the Saxons, but here we find evidence that he was also an alien-slayer; wielding the pillar and base as a literal hammer to literally smash their intergalactic flying saucer dead in its tracks. Literally dead, literally in its tracks, literally in stone. Given the size of the Pillar, Germanus was clearly a giant, perhaps genetically engineered as a slave labourer for the aliens but who turned against his masters in a rit of fealous jage.

Facts not to be Questioned

I have read far too much academic literature to bother to cite it in support of this argument. Instead, I leave it for you to unravel, safe in the knowledge that the truth is out there, and I have unraveled the mystery of Eliseg’s Pillar for the first time!