Famous landmark of Llangollen Museum, previously incumbent of Valle Crucis Abbey, and regarded by all as a quintessential Welsh medieval monk, John Porthlock announced today that he has secured French citizenship. In a brief statement, the smoothly spoken monastic said:

Us Cistercians have monasteries all across Europe. In this time of uncertainty following the Brexit vote, it makes sense to consolidate connections with our European mother house. I remain proud of Wales and proud of my brethren at Valle Crucis Abbey. Being Welsh is a tough habit to break, but I am equally a European religious at heart. Becoming French is the obvious way to escape the Brexishambles.

This shock news follows other archaeological monuments scrambling to claim affinities with, and residential rights within, other EU nations.

The Neolithic passage-grave Bryn Celli Ddu has re-established its Irish links, while Tintagel Castle is working hard to consolidate ties with Greece and Turkey.

Other internationally famous monuments no longer want to be part of a post-Brexit Britain. Stonehenge is improving its road links, allegedly to ease its escape via the Channel Tunnel, while the bluestones are in separate talks to relocate back to Pembrokeshire so as to be in rolling distance of the Fishguard ferry.

Even Dover Castle has had enough and its Roman lighthouse has become an Italian citizen. Further north, Lindisfarne Priory has re-established friendly ties with Norway.

Back in Wales, it is even rumoured that the Pillar of Eliseg is thinking of moving to the Isle of Man.

In stark contrast, Scottish monuments and historic buildings have thus far refused to comment, perhaps hoping that Brexit will simply go away if IndyRef2 does actually transpire.

This archaeological humdrum of relocation and re-established European ties follows hot on the heels of news that Colin Firth has acquired dual citizenship of the UK and Italy.

The potential implosion of Britain post-Brexit is hitting ancient monuments and historic buildings hard. Cadw and English Heritage are allegedly taking the unprecedented step of joining forces to lobby hard at the monuments and sites in their custody to try to convince them not to jump ship.

Initial EH plans include playing Elgar loudly during opening times and issuing ‘step into Brexshit’s story’ t-shirts to all visitors.

Cadw refused to comment…