I’m a terrible snob. I hate replica trinkets. They’re so naff, so cheesy. Who would own this crap? And yet so frickin’ awesome it is unbelievable! Look what I just got given! Not any ring, the ONE RING!

One ring to rule them all,

one ring to find them,

one ring to bring them all,

and in the darkness bind them

It is a archaeological gift! All I ask for is the strength to dig for my people! Already I feel its power working on me. Lack of sleep, lack of appetite, I hear the whisper of shadowy voices from long ago. In other words, the usual symptoms of academic life.

Still, I do not deny long have I desired this. Instead of a Dark Lord you would have an Archaeology Professor! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the dawn, treacherous as the sea, digging deeper than the foundations of the earth. All shall love my archaeodeath and despair!

Yes puny archaeo-mortals, your time is up. My army of orcs armed with trowels, wargs with mattocks and cave-trolls with wheel barrows shall march soon and all of Middle Earth (well at least Denbighshire, Wrexham and Cheshire) will come under my power and suffer the most terrible of archaeological excavations with the 3D recording of every find! In fact, just like digging at West Heslerton when I was a student.

A few of those Battle of the Five Armies were-worms wouldn’t go astray either. Also, I hope the Stonehenge tunnel disturbs a Balrog or two to help me in my cause…