This is my first post of 2014, so a belated Happy New Year from the archaeodeath blog.

I wish to start this year with a suitable subject for all you mortuary archaeologists out there who have put on a few pounds because of over-indulgence during the festive season. Yes, I mean you!

Now that January is here, it goes without saying that we are all having nightmares about how that one slice of mouldy bread for Christmas dinner is making us look obese. Significantly, how on earth are we going to fit into our stylish and revealing summer grave-digging clothes? We look in the mirror, contemplating our mortality and what our graves will be like for archaeologists to dig up in a few centuries and we just can’t see our ribs anymore! Our eyes no longer look sunken! Our teeth are still in place! There is no sign of sickness or infection! How are we to restore the skeletal and dying look that we not only want but we deserve?!

Well, I have a solution. Like any half-decent z-list celebrity mortuary archaeologist, I have turned to my own new rigorous mortuary dietary regime. But that isn’t enough. I don’t want to just look deathly and feel good doing it. I want to impose my smug self-centred lifestyle – or deathstyle – on YOU!

So, I will be bringing out a DVD, starting a dedicated website and also every pharmacy in the UK will have my latest range of slimming products. What is the solution?

No! I’m not referrring to the Coalition Government’s dismantling of the NHS. I’m referring to the Archaeodeath Diet.

The contents of the diet are a secret, so secret in fact that even the pills are invisible and the tubs of slimming shake are completely weightless, almost as if there is nothing in them whatsoever.

But there remains one key ingredient to the diet you should not omit for success. At least once every week, read and enjoy the Archaeodeath postings and I guarantee you’ll feel sicker and more death-like in no time!

Seriously folks, I do wish each and every one of you a happy and prosperous 2014. If you have one real New Year’s resolution, I hope it was a determination not to join the burial record just yet….